Archive for October, 2008

Happy Anniversary.
October 20, 2008

It’s funny how we always look ahead assuming that “the best is yet to come.”

Five years ago today was the last time a man passionately kissed me.  The last time a man told me he was in love with me.  The last time someone couldn’t run fast enough through an airport terminal to get to me.

It’s funny how after you have your heart broken to the point of no return, you look ahead assuming that God has something wonderful up His sleeve and it’s “just around the corner.”  When someone hurts us so badly that breathing takes effort…when we fall apart because someone else sinned…when we try to stay faithful and please the Lord despite the truest of agony, we assume that God’s sweet blessing is imminent.

But what if it isn’t?

I spent Friday night wearing old jeans and a bathrobe, complemented by a face with no makeup and red eyes. 
I should’ve been out.  I should’ve been catching the reflection of city street lights in the shine of my many gold bangles and tipping my head back so that laughter could spill out.   I should’ve been hand in hand with the man who made all the past pains and awkward dates seem distant.  I should’ve been wrapped up in arms that feel safe.  I should not feel the pressure to constantly be apologizing for who I am, what I think or how I feel.

The word “should” sure does pack a punch, huh? 
“Should” claims to know what is best.  “Should” takes God out of the equation. The mindset of “should”…the angry prayers that include “should”…the conversations that turn to “should”…are actually quite dangerous.

Thinking we can wish our future into existence… Thinking about what we “deserve”… Thinking about what a good God might bring and what a mean God is withholding… dangerdangerdanger!

If you would have told me on October 20, 2003 that on October 20, 2008 I would be sitting in Cedarville’s computer lab, anxious about a Biology exam…stressed over the pennies in my bank account…grieving the loss of a dear friend…and sifting every pain through a heart so full of holes it resembles a dart board… I wouldn’t have believed you.

Why?

“Because,” I would have said “life shouldn’t turn out like that.  Not after a 5 year fight for faithfulness.  I deserve more than that…no no, surely you are mistaken.”

I would have handed you a hankie to clean your crystal ball and asked you to look again. 
If I knew what life would actually look like now, I don’t know that I would have made it.
As hope ebbs away, through constant & never-ending disappointments over all the “shoulds” that turned into “could nots” or “would nots”…what does it take to press on?

Do we keep hoping?
The trite answer is “yes” …keep hoping. But what do we hope for? Because if I honestly recounted what I hoped for (degree, husband, adopted multi-ethnic toddlers, steady paycheck, 3 story red-brick-ivy-covered-deconstructed-black-shuttered town house) would ANY of that echo God’s heart?

Or does real hope…at least the hope we are supposed to hold on to… simply look like this…

“God, I hope in You.  That You will do whatever You want with me, and that I’ll love You more.”

Scary.

My mom texted me this week to let me know that the beautiful diamond and platinum engagement ring and wedding band my Grandma just recently gave me were sized to a perfect 7. 
Why the rush?  I laughed at the irony…here I am single as single can be, with a ring sitting unused in the safe upstairs.

And right now I fight…fight to long to hope in Who is real…and not simply hope to be sliding my finger through those beautiful gifts before my next Heartbreak Anniversary.

Hope.
What a loaded word.

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yea. I needed that.
October 15, 2008

Psalm 72:21-26
When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and me heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.